Not so Packed to the Rafters

Well whaddaya know, it was an in-law that died in the much anticipated 'bubble bursting' episode of Packed to the Rafters tonight. No big shock as there was talk of actor Zoe Ventoura (who plays Mel) wanting to head off overseas.

I haven't really watched Packed to the Rafters since season one, which I didn't mind at all. Since then though it's become a cringe-worthy mix of awkward scripts, over-acting and sweeter-than-honey schmultz. I started watching way-back-when because of Zoe Ventoura - I loved her on the SBS comedy/drama Kick! Why could they not have killed off Ben? (played by Hugh Sheridan) - he is the character I like least, and by like least I mean loathe.

Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful things about Packed to the Rafters. Jessica Marais namely (who plays Rachel) and of course Rebecca Gibney is Australian tv royalty. But the show has become the later-on-at-night-only-once-a-week-and-on-a-different-channel Neighbours. What I mean is, shit happens but everything's okay. The strong focus on family and niceness and everyone being wonderful and white and wholesome gets a bit old. Yes, sometimes it's nice to watch sunshine, lollipops and blue skies but the characters and the story-lines are so predictable.

Maybe I'm a bit cynical. I did try to hang in there until all the 'Carbo the ethnic neighbour' story-lines that involved him *hilariously* being mistaken as *deep inhale* a gay. Oh what fun and frivolity was made of that mix-up! ROFLMAOLOLROFagain ... not.

Needless to say, I wasn't all that happy about having to sit through 45 minutes or so of lovey-dovey crap tonight before the big death scene. We get it - you're really in love - that will make it way worse when one of you dies *slaps forehead*.

There were two good things about the first 45 minutes though, (1) the dodgy cousin storyline. I can't help but like that guy, he reminds me of my own dodgy cousins. And (2) Nathan. The character of Nathan has developed a lot since season one, as has the actor Angus McLaren. He is really very good, and a bit cute, which is helpful.

Back to the 'death in the family'. The first shot of the episode was a close-up of Mel. Dead giveaway, if you'll pardon the pun. Even though I'd been expecting it for nearly an hour the actual collision was quite shocking. A car ploughed into hers at an intersection and the aerial shot holding on that moment felt like forever. Well done. There was a scene following that was also very good; when Nathan arrived at the hotel to tell Ben. The look on Nathan's face was pitch-perfect.

Then we got a walk-through of the family at the hospital, Dave Rafter leading Ben through to the morgue to see Mel. All quite powerful and tear-inducing (if you're not a cold-hearted cynic like myself of course). And finally we get the 'bubble' narrative back with good old grand-dad and baby Ruby. 

And here is where I got annoyed. Firstly, because the bubble thing was stupid to begin with - bubbles? really? life is like bubbles? I suppose it was the rather crap explanation from Ted earlier in the episode re the bubble factor that killed it. And secondly, at the very end of the episode, the screen faded to white - and stayed white for a few moments.

A teensy bit of a rip-off of one of the most iconic moments in Australian television history - the death of Molly Jones on A Country Practice. Of course when Molly died the screen faded to black (because her eyes closed). Here's the last five or so minutes of that episode;

It's a heartbreaker. Even now, even though I've seen it 50 million times.

I have to say, comparably, even with all the build-up and the 'who-will-it-be?' speculation about tonight's Packed to the Rafters, Mel's death was pretty forgettable.

While I'm talking about death scenes and Australian tv, here's one that I thought was better than the one we saw tonight - and who would have guessed it, it's from Neighbours (maybe skip to the 8 minute mark);

I think I'll go back to not watching Packed to the Rafters, mainly because the rest of the season will be focused on Ben, who is rather annoying. 

I'll stick to watching YouTube videos of those wacky Timmins' from Colac ... or, you know, doing something constructive with my life. 

Bee in your Bonnet?

Up until now, if you wanted to make a formal complaint to a commercial tv station you had to send or fax an actual letter - I mean putting actual pen to actual paper and purchasing an actual envelope (yes, they still make them). 

Well, times they are a changin' and we have this newfangled gadget called the in-ter-net nowadays - and FreeTV Australia has caught on.

SO - if you want to make a complaint about a commercial free-to-air station you just have to go here and fill out the webform. Easy as that.

Perhaps you'll complain about the frequency of Two and a Half Men episodes being aired? - every two and a half minutes as far as I can tell (or that they're aired at all). Perhaps you'll complain about Benny Hill episodes being aired in prime time on channel 7TWO when the youngens can watch and learn his vomit-inducing skills in objectifying women and terribly unfunny what-I'm-assuming-are-supposed-to-be jokes? Maybe you'll complain about the lack of ethnically diverse characters on Neighbours? Or how about that old chestnut of the advertisements being ten times louder than the programs? (I should point out they have a whole page addressing that very issue - which should by no means stop you complaining).

Ohhh, there's so much joy to be had in whingeing. Come on Australia - this is what we do best - and now it's been made easy! Just two minutes away from your Facebook stalking could have you receiving carefully worded emails from the stations explaining to you that your comments have been taken into careful consideration! Pure JOY!

Obviously you're not reading this anymore because you're already over there telling Mel and Kochie just exactly what you think of them ... ahhhhh, so much potential.

* I should point out that the page states;

This Electronic Lodgement System can only be used for complaints under matters covered by the Commercial Television Industry Code of Practice. Code Complaints include program classification;  accuracy, fairness and respect for privacy in news and current affairs; the amount of non-program matter on television; and placement of commercials and program promotions.

But there are links to other feedback avenues so don't let that stop you.

Mr and Mrs Edelsten

Unless you've been living in a cave you will have heard about the abomination that is the Goeffrey Edelsten and Brynne Gordon wedding. Supposedly it was the "social event of the year" for Melbourne - suggesting that the rest of the year must have been filled entirely with letter openings and high-school formals.

The Herald Sun has a front page pic above the banner today and the write-up made page 5. The Age put some pics on the back page in the Melbourne Life section and the commercial news programs are obviously having a field day with it.

So who the hell cares if some old gheezer with loads of cash marries his "work in progress" little lady in a lavish affair at the Crown casino? Few people had even heard of Mr Edelsten before the Brownlow ceremony this year, and those that had wished they could forget. And no one would ever have heard of Brynne Gordon if she hadn't stumbled across a horny old man and decided that sleeping with him was worth the millions of dollars he'd leave to her when he kicked the bucket in the not-too-distant-future.

Am I being nasty? Oh, they're getting their guests to give money to charity in lieu of gifts you say? Well going by the B-grade celeb guest list I'm not sure they'll be making anywhere near the 3 million it cost them to put on the bourgeois affair. I doubt that ex-Big-Brother-contestants and Neighbours stars will be emptying their pockets for charity - the donation basket was probably filled with autographed, glossy 8x10s rather than $100 bills.

When events like this become news I'm reminded of something a lecturer told me once; If all of the world were annihilated and just one newspaper/news program was recovered by aliens, what would they think of us as a human race?

An even more scary thought occured to me after seeing the new "disaster film to end all disaster films" 2010 - if you haven't seen it, there are ships that have been built to survive the end of the world and a ticket on the ship costs 1 billion dollars. It's scary because it's people like Mr and Mrs Edelsten that would be boarding that Contiki World-End Tour and *shudder* re-populating the world.

You want more evidence that the Edelsten couple should de-throne Bec and Lleyton Hewitt as King and Queen of the Bogans on the brilliant Things Bogans Like blog? Geoff is planning on opening a luxury "nip/tuck clinic" in ... wait for it ... Caroline Springs.

There, I said it. Bogans. Grade-A, sell-their-mother-for-a-bundy-and-coke Bogans. Should Bogans not celebrate their nuptuals in any way they please? I hear you ask. Well, yes, I suppose they can - but I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT AND IT ISN'T NEWS.

Enough. Now what's all this about a shit-fight in the Liberal Party and Tony Abbott wearing rocket-poppers?

(My apologies in advance for that last link - do not open if you have a weak stomach.)

Become Good Friends

Let's talk about Neighbours, shall we?

Neighbours is an Australian institution. It's a breeding ground for young actors, writers, sound engineers, cameramen, and any other television production role there is. People like Kate Langbroek and Marieke Hardy have cut their writing teeth on the drama unfolding in Erinsborough and I don't need to rattle off the list of actors and musicians that have sprung from the humble brown-brick that makes up the ironically named Ramsay Street (on account of it actually being a court).

So what are soaps really about? They're basically drama, mostly light-hearted drama. They have to do with relationships, growing up, growing old, growing apart, growing a serious hydroponic set-up in the roof ... - hang on, that's Home and Away, not Neighbours. Basically they are an escape to a happy, sunny street where if you "find the perfect blend" you can overcome most anything. The way stories are scripted means that conflicts are usually resolved either within an episode or within a week. Basically, everything comes up roses - the way it should do in a perfect world.

The reason I've been thinking about soaps is that I read this blog post by Clem Bastow (music writer, radio announcer and blogger among other things) that basically assessed a recent death on Neighbours as being punishment for underage sex. Which - it pains me - I have to disagree with.

A few weeks ago the much loved Didge (Eloise Mignon) died after a dramatic car accident. Didge had recently become a teenage mum with her boyfriend Declan (James Sorensen) and was a favourite on the show among its younger viewers. I have to admit, I watch Neighbours fairly regularly if I'm at home (there! - my dirty little secret is out!) so I'm familiar with the characters and storylines. Neighbours producer Susan Bower had actually pointed out, after the moral-panics raised questions about a teen pregnancy, that the storylines would not glamourise being a teen parent but try to show it as accurately as possible. In fact, the amount of whingeing from Didge about not being able to do the things her friends were doing actually became rather annoying.

My argument for Neighbours though, is not that it reflects reality (because it certainly does not) or that it is a perfectly acceptable moral compass for young people (because it certainly is not) - but that it is not supposed to be either of these things.

Soaps are fantasy - they are fiction. They are only supposed to reflect reality enough that you can relate to them, but that's it. Otherwise it's the fact that they are in no way realistic that makes them so appealing. It's not just the horny teens that get killed off - the wholesome gals and guys of Ramsay Street meet sticky ends too. Case in point, Toadie's (Ryan Moloney) dead bride Dee (Madeleine West) and Libby's (Kym Valentine) cowboy husband Drew (Dan Paris) - who fell off a horse, of course, of course.

There's generally a fair bit of dying to be done in soaps due to the high turnover of characters - and there are only so many times that a character can "move to Queensland" (ie. go to London to do a season of pantos and return a year later to do a guest spot on All Saints). There are also teens having sexual relations that don't end up disemboweled in a farming accident ... case in point Donna (Margot Robbie) and Ringo (Sam Clark) - in fact, Donna was portrayed as a promiscuous floozy not too long ago. She has since "come good" and is surprisingly healthy and happy - until actor Margot Robbie inevitably moves on to bigger and better things of course - in which case Donna will probably die a terrible death.

Basically it's a series of life events - birth, annoying-kid, teen-rebellion, courting, marriage, divorce, illness, death - throw in some crime, adultery and natural disasters and you have the basic life-span of a soap character.

If parents are counting on soapies to teach their kids what is morally right and socially acceptable they need a head-check. Whilst Neighbours is generally wholesome fair for the family, if one relied solely on it for moral guidance one might turn out to be a socially-retarded, extroverted egomaniac, speaking only of oneself in the third person and relying on internal dialogues to find resolutions to problems.

* Coming soon to a blog near you: Neighbours V's Home and Away AND Technical Marvels in Neighbours Post-Editing

Australian Idol

Let's face it, Australian Idol is seen as a bit of a joke among serious musicians. The fact that it's not so much a singing contest as an exercise in marketing doesn't build its street cred amongst independent artists. And promos like this certainly aren't helping the cause any;

Is it just me or is this ad the ultimate in tacky commercialism? It's making me preemptively hate them all when in order to watch the series (which of course I will) I'm going to need to like at least one of them. Basically Aus Idol is as tacky and crass as the pop-tarts it wants its contestants to emulate (and why we secretly love it and them).

But then it goes and gives us Lisa Mitchell - a unique, young artist who's music is not at all the norm and who we would otherwise not have heard about were it not for the show. She's not pop, and she's not easily marketable - but she is testament to the fact that young artists can indeed use the sap-wagon that is Aus Idol to get a break.

One 'serious' artist who has been very vocal about the fact that Australian Idol is a joke is Kate Miller-Heidke. The classically trained Brisbane artist has had some nasty things to say about the show - which is why I found the fact that her song "The Last Day on Earth" is currently being used for a Neighbours promo a bit odd.

After all, Neighbours is where ex-idols go to die (anyone remember Daniel O'Connor or Dean Geyer?) and someone who thinks Aus Idol is a talentless exercise in consumerism surely wouldn't want their wares flogging a channel 10 soap that is equally scorned for its tackiness?

I wonder what a channel 10 promo is worth these days?