Back to Reality

Channel 7 is currently holding auditions for its reality show Beauty and the Geek which picked up a pretty good following last year. I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that I didn't like it. 

Of course I will watch the first episode because I love being outraged and shocked - confession: sometimes I switch over to Melbourne Talk Radio just to feel my blood pressure rise - it's less effort than exercise and if I listen for long enough I might even throw up and lose a few kgs.

So, reality tv.

I've been keeping up with Masterchef this season. By 'keeping up' I mean switching over in the last 10 minutes to see the taste-testing and elimination. Someone told me a few weeks ago who ends up in the final three so it's no real joy now - mind you, blind Freddy could probably guess them after all the 'favouritism' talk from boned contestants. 

Masterchef's managed to consistently be covered in the tabloid press thanks to a few nobody-even-cares-you're-just-putting-it-in-the-news-as-free-PR type scandals - including the 're-plate-gate' affair. Is it really shocking that they re-plate the food for the cameras? Studio lights + cream-based desserts = liquid ugly ... and you'll be surprised to hear I'm not even a rocket scientist!

Channel 7's Australia's Got Talent has been the expected mixed-bag of freaks and weirdos. I'm sure there has been the occasional talented moth to the flame but I haven't followed closely enough to know if they got through - looking at the judges, I sincerely doubt it. The bits that I have seen have been horrific. I had much more fun watching a repeat of Popstars this morning at 1:30am. Did people really dress like that in the 90s? I don't remember owning a top that was a handkerchief in the front held by pieces of string across the back ... then again maybe I did and have used selective memory to block it out.

Speaking of pieces of material being held together with string, Dancing with the Stars will be back on air soon. Oh what joy, oh what celebration (where's that sarcastic font when you need it). Have you seen the contestant list? One commenter on the channel 7 forum stated quite rightly that someone should sue the station for false advertising. There are maybe one or two people that might fit the description of 'star' but otherwise, the cast is populated with people that aren't even loosely related to stars. 

Alex Fevola is an ex-WAG who's only claim to fame is being cheated on by an AFL player. Whoop! Hold the phone; she has published a coffee-table book! Phew, that justifies that then. Tamara Jaber is the wife (read "PR pet-project") of a man who is famous for being a wanker and/or being dumped from a reality show judging panel. Loooong bow people.  

The most entertaining thing about the show is reading the creative license taken in the bios of the supposed stars. My favourite is Jo Beth Taylor;

Jo Beth Taylor – dancing with Dannial Gosper
Beginning her singing career at the tender age of five, Jo Beth Taylor began performing professionally at the age of 13. In the early 1990s she began a successful music and television career. At just 22 years of age, Jo Beth hosted three weekly tv shows making her the youngest person to ever host a prime-time show on Australian television.  

Right. So what's she been doing in the last 15 years? Way to focus on when she actually had a career - in 1994.

So, we have the usual mix of channel 7 'personalities', miscellaneous sports stars, a musician or two and some vaguely familiar faces (if only from the covers of FHM next to the Kit Kats at the servo). There's no disabled person and no one particularly old or overweight so I'm not sure what the gimmick will be this year ... oh right ... the whole show. Australia, you so disappoint me.

So count me out again - I'm proud to say I've never watched a whole DWTS episode, let alone followed a series. I'd rather shower in acid with a sun-bed chaser. Speaking of which, be sure to look out for the 'natural' tans on the contestants of both DWTS and Beauty and the Geek.  

A BIT OF EVERYTHING

Well, I haven't blogged for a while! Sorry about that. As usual life takes over.

Here's just a quick wrap-up of what's been happening (or is coming up).

Artsy stuff I'm loving;

1) Kill Your Darlings literary journal. Not only is it an amazing collection of writing, reviews, interviews and awesomeness but it looks so sexy. It's worth the moula for the cover pic alone (by Melbourne-based artist Jeremy Ley). There's so much goodness here - do yourself a favour.

2) The Wheeler Centre: Books, Writing, Ideas. This is why I love Melbourne. The Wheeler Centre is all about creating discourse around writers and writing - does that sound boring to you? Well you would be wrong there - check out the videos of events that have already happened - including this amazing performance by Paul Kelly at the Gala Evening of Storytelling - and prepare to concede defeat.

I attended the Gala night on February 13 and let me tell you there was a spark in that very large room - the air was electric with anticipation. Not just for the evening of speakers ahead but at what The Wheeler Centre means for Melbourne and where it might take us. Booking online is easy, many of the events are free and if not, are very reasonably priced. The Wheeler Centre has added further evidence to the "there's always something to do in Melbourne" argument, and how.

3) Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yeah I know, it's over, but bloody hell I love Melbourne ... did I mention that? I managed to catch a whole lotta Comedy Fest. this year but there were two stand-outs for me. Firstly, Good Evening, with Shaun Micallef and Stephen Curry. If you've read this blog at all you know I have a serious crush on Micallef, but don't let that make you think I'm bias in my very high opinion of this production. I know it was the big-name ticket of the festival but there's a reason that these two gentlemen are so loved; they are brilliant. And that is all.

My second pick is Catherine Deveny's God is Bullshit: That's the Good News. It's so hard to love Deveny because she's so hit and miss. One minute you're reading her column shouting "Right on Sister!" and the next you're cringing behind the couch watching her on Q&A, wondering why she told that really bad joke and was glaring at Peter Dutton as if her retinas were burning. 

So I attended her show hoping for the best and was really, wonderfully impressed. She wasn't cracking a string of one-liners - she was telling a story that was close to her heart and it really worked. You didn't have to laugh, you didn't have to agree, you didn't have to understand. I especially liked the references for us post-Catholic-childhood Atheists; liturgical dancing? check. She was wonderfully entertaining and I do love a good "Fuck You!" to organised religion. And the really good news? She's doing a return season at Trades Hall from the 5th to the 8th of May. In the meantime, check out her Lunchbox/Soapbox at, you guessed it, The Wheeler Centre! Whoop!

TV stuff I'm loving;

1) The fact that The Pacific out-rated Hey Hey it's Saturday on its debut Wednesday night.

I watched a bit of Hey Hey and was suitably appalled at the nanna jokes, thinly-veiled racism, not so thinly-veiled sexism and general cringe-worthiness. It's just so wrong. It's like someone tore a hole in the space/time continuum and vomited in it. I didn't watch The Pacific, I'm not really into war-porn. I will try to watch some of the Melbourne episode tonight though (or one of the seven hundred 'encore' repeats on 7 digital).

2) Wilfred (SBS, Monday night 10pm). That mangy dog is a heart breaker, but oh, how I love him. This season is brilliant, my favourite so far is episode 2 where Sarah takes the boys to Nambour and Wilfred has an interesting existential conversation with a Cocky played by ... what do you know? Mr Stephen Curry! (I'm really tying things together here, huh?)

Other stuff;

Underbelly - Episode 1. I watched the first 15 minutes, the last 15 minutes and some bits in between. The dialogue is crap, the acting is average, the voice-over is intolerable - let's see, that leaves tits, stabbings, guns, tits, money, tits, drugs and tits. The most interesting thing about it was following the boob-count on Twitter. Underbelly; where television soap stars go to die (in a knife fight in King's Cross of course). The most horrifying bit was when the voice-over stated that the good-girl-turned-hooker had "liberated" herself by becoming a whore. Seriously? For fuck's sake.

MTR AM - Melbourne's new boys club AM radio station. You can expect bigoted commentary from program director Steve Price and his mates Andrew Bolt, Sam Newman, Steve Vizard and Jason Akermanis, to name a few. Any women you ask? Well a woman does the news updates, and then there's a program on Sundays that's co-hosted by a woman. Take THAT glass ceiling! I am loving thinking of things "MTR" might be an acronym for though; More Tiring Rants is my current favourite.

Roberta Williams - Since the death of Carl Williams on Monday we can expect to see a whole lot more of Roberta (well, whatever there's left to see after her lads mag shoot *spews in my mouth a little bit*). Supposedly New Idea is offering $250,000 for her story and ACA and TT will no doubt be returning to the story every day with "new angles" - i.e. What did Carl eat for breakfast that day? Was he a boxers or briefs kinda guy and did that have anything to do with his homicidal tendencies? - You know, the important stuff that the public want to know.

Masterchef is back - I'm kind of watching it, in that I'm watching it but not actually looking at it because I'm doing other stuff (like cooking a masterchef-worthy dinner). It's all tears and coulis really isn't it? "I'm doing this for my family", "I didn't want to look back and realise I wasted my life", "This is the most intense thing I've ever done" and from the judges, "I'd sell this in my restaurant", "Who would have thought a *insert occupation here* could cook" and "We want you to continue your journey" ... there's the recap for you.

Twitter - I love Twitter. I especially love living vicariously through Twitter. Watching Q&A whilst following Twitter makes it almost bearable when a planted Young Liberal asks a stupid, irrelevant  question (almost). Reading all the hilarious responses to the latest scandal is especially fun - my favourites are @thingboganslike, @firstdogonmoon, @trubnad, @domknight, @scrivenersfancy, @catherinedeveny and @wil_anderson.

Right, so there's a bit of a lot of stuff that I've been musing on - hopefully I get a chance to blog a bit more frequently soon.

In the meantime - follow me on TWITTER ... it's over there on the sidebar ... do it ... do it now ...