Footballers Review

The grand final episode of the AFL Footy Show was on channel 9 tonight which included the footballer review - you know, the part where the boys dance around to various songs with a bunch of scantily clad gals making pelvic thrusting motions and simulating giving the boys blow-jobs?

First of all - I don't understand this at ALL. Sam Newman did a horrifying rendition of Singin' in the Rain, including out of sync miming and a possible fractured hip (-there goes the only part of his body that was still natural!) But the most disturbing part of the show was Shane Crawford dressed as an extra from Rocky Horror doing the Pink number So What? - except that he must have got his starlets mixed up because he was clearly channeling Lady Ga Ga by forgetting to wear pants. That's right - all he was wearing was a leather g-string ... and did I mention he was doing acrobatics whilst hanging from the ceiling? The looks of shock and awe on the faces of the audience made it quite clear that Crawford had outdone himself this year.

A few observations;
(1) I think the background dancers are all girls because the boys don't want to look 'gay'. They shouldn't worry - if they were gay they might actually have some style and/or talent.
(2) The background dancers are crap - is this an attempt to make the footballers look better? Or is this because they are only trained in pole-dancing and not freestyle?
(3) It seems there were less players involved this year - perhaps they were smart enough to watch the tapes from last year ... sober.

Every year I watch this abomonation thinking it couldn't possibly be worse than the year before but they just keep outdoing themselves. It's a not-to-be-missed, stick-a-fork-in-your-eye, visual atrocity of mass proportions. You just can't look away.

* I should also point out that my last three posts have been related to AFL - I apologise and it won't happen again.

Fev's Big Night Out

Carlton footballer Brendan Fevola has been suspended from channel 9's The Footy Show grand final special and fined $10,000 by the AFL after his 'drunken antics' at the Brownlow Medal count on Monday.

The Herald Sun gave a blow by blow account of his entire night here.

I think The Age columnist and Triple J presenter Marieke Hardy might have hit the nail on the head though with this Twitter update;
As Media Watch reported on Monday night, Sam Newman made racial slurs on The Footy Show (September 17th), first against a Malaysian man, and later, tennis star Serena Williams.

Host, Jonathan Holmes stated;

In a week when another ugly attack on Indian students has again put the international spotlight on racism in Australia, surely we can do without garbage like that?

I'm not saying that being a rude, drunken idiot is acceptable behavior but I wonder if Newman will be suspended from the grand final special?

The Blue Carpet

I wasn't going to bother posting anything about the obvious 'worst-dressed-wag' on the Brownlow Blue Carpet last night - clearly it was this little number:
The woman in question is Brynne Gordon, who accompanied her partner, Geoffrey Edelsten - who is clearly dating her for her ... er, personalities?

You see, I figured all this was pretty obvious and that nothing needed to be said about it - until I heard the lil' lady in question on the news tonight advise that she was ... (prepare to spit out your tea) ... TWENTY SIX YEARS OLD.

Sorry? Did I hear right? I think someone is telling fibs to her sugar-daddy so he doesn't go back to the playboy mansion to buy a younger version. Not only has she had more plastic surgery (-on her face too) than any 26-year-old would have had time for, but if she didn't have those oversized "personalities" on her chest one might have mistaken her for a cast member of Priscilla.

Bit catty? You're right, but the skank-o-meter was so low on the whole with the Brownlow Broads this year that this abomonation stuck out like a sore thumb. Where's a bedazzled g-string when you need one?

Welcome back John

Look, to be honest, I don't care who he's offending or what he's doing, there is something so darn attractive about a skinny Jewish boy with self-esteem problems poking fun at organised religion.

For the record, I'm down with that.

So here's a look at John Safran's next project for ABC:

It starts on Wednesday, October 21st.

Rove's Birthday Bash

Tonight was the 10th anniversary of Rove Live which meant a 90 minute special of past cast members and favourite clips. If the world ended tomorrow and all that survived was a tape of Rove's 10th anniversary show, aliens would think that the human race consisted of juvenile pranksters obsessed with self-harm and bad fashion who told far too many bum jokes and had no respect for themselves or anyone else ... and they wouldn't be too far off really. The laugh out loud moments were courtesy of Hamish & Andy and Ryan Shelton, otherwise it was an excercise in cringeworthy self-indulgence - a bit like a 21st birthday party where your dad makes a speech with a whole lot of gags that no one laughs at. Nonetheless, there is something lovable about Rove McManus and it must be said that the show has filled a void in variety entertainment and has endeared where many others would have fallen by the wayside.

Besides all that - an interesting program change for 10 tonight - moving Australian Idol back to 7:30pm and putting a repeat of Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation before it. Obviously ten were hoping that their biggest success of late might lead into some good audience numbers for the failing Aus. Idol. Unfortunately Idol seems dead and buried with it's only stand out performer knocked out in round one, it's left with better than average karaoke and forced bickering between the judgeing panel.

Best of the Best

Channel 9's Best of the Best program tonight was surprisingly quite a nice showcase. Here were the stars and programs featured;

• Personalities: Graham Kennedy, Molly Meldrum, Daryl Somers, Lisa McCune, Andrew Denton, Jana Wendt, Bert Newton, Paul Hogan.
• Comedy: Frontline, The Mavis Bramston Show, Kath & Kim.
• Drama: Homicide, Number 96, The Sullivans, A Country Practice, Underbelly.
• Current Affairs: Four Corners, Sunday, Foreign Correspondent, 60 Minutes.
• Entertainment/Variety: The Don Lane Show, Big Brother, Hey Hey it's Saturday, In Melbourne Tonight.

There were a few tear-jerking moments in there, like Bert's 2006 Logie performance of a duet with the late, great Grahan Kennedy and Molly's death on A Country Practice. I thought some of the choices were odd - Lisa McCune, really? Georgie Parker would have been a better choice. And as usual, where the hell was Shaun Micallef?

Nostalgic Nine

In times of crisis, the world turns to nostalgia. The idea is that when things are going badly, remembering when things were going well is a nice escape from reality. After the 9/11 terrorist attacks there was a spike in nostalgia tv and programs like Better Homes and Gardens gained a new audience of viewers that wanted to forget about the 'bad' out there and focus on creating a 'good' home environment.

The world is currently in the midst of a Global Financial Crisis - and who better to deliver some heartwarming nostalgia than good old channel 9 - which is suffering its very own crisis after a string of bad program choices (Australia's Perfect Couple anyone?).

To kick things off we have Television's Best of the Best on Sunday night at 6:30pm. The website describes it as;

A host of Channel Nine's biggest stars look back at Australian television's very best performers and programs. From groundbreaking dramas to our most brilliant comedians, this special event features some of television's most memorable moments.

You'll never have guessed it, but yes, Jules Lund is involved - and one would also assume that the majority (if not all) of Australian television's greatest moments happened on channel 9 of course.

Then we have The Very Best of the Paul Hogan Show on Tuesday the 22nd at 8:30pm. The website tells us we will;

Relive the laughs of the hugely successful Paul Hogan Show with a collection of his favourite moments from the show that changed comic television in Australia.

And I don't mean to alarm you, but it will be hosted by none other than Paul Hogan himself. I wonder if he'll be throwing any shrimps on the barbie? *

But of course the one we've all been waiting for is Hey Hey it's Saturday - The Reunion, airing at 7:30pm on WEDNESDAY the 30th of September with part 2 the following week. As the website says "it's a quirky timeslot for a quirky show" - way to get around that hairy question Nine execs!

And what can we look forward to?

Hey Hey It’s Saturday is bursting back onto your screens ‘LIVE’ with 2 reunion specials featuring the original gang and many of your all-time favourite segments.

Each two hour show will be jam-packed with a kaleidoscope of guests both new and old plus the fabulous Hey Hey ‘live’ Band. And it wouldn’t be Hey Hey without RED FACES, PLUCKA DUCK, CELEBRITY HEAD and many other classic bits.

I must say, the promos for the Hey Hey special definitely had me remembering good times sitting on the living room floor with my siblings on a Saturday night watching Red Faces - but that's the problem isn't it? - these Hey Hey special's aren't going to show us the old clips, they're going to bring something back from the dead that has well and truly decomposed, and I think we've all watched enough zombie movies to know how that turns out.

Either way, it's time to make yourself a vegemite sandwich, drape the Australian flag around your shoulders and get into the spirit of some nostalgic nationalism with channel 9.

* note: if Paul Hogan, in his hosting duties, actually does put a shrimp, or any shrimp-related crustacean, on a barbeque I will eat my own hat ... if I'm wearing one ... and if I haven't already had dinner.