I wish it wasn't ... Live from Planet Earth

These days when I wonder if it's just me that's feeling a certain way I type a few words into the Twitter search box and see if anyone else is running it up the flagpole. Last night I did that with the words "Ben Elton". If you've had a look at the #benelton stream, I found that I wasn't at all alone in my disappointment.

Ben Elton: Live from Planet Earth debuted last night on channel 9 (to me and a handful of others so the ratings suggest). I'd been quietly hopeful that Elton, who had written British classics Blackadder and The Young Ones, would create an entertaining, quirky, mixed-bag of skits and stand-up that pushed the envelope in a new, fresh way. 

Yes, I know, I'm usually so cynical, I really shouldn't have had any hopes. For starters, it was on channel 9 - not exactly the home of quality Australian content nowadays - but Elton really used to be funny. His books are funny. And he's British - they're generally funny, right? And then there was all that young talent in the ensemble cast. Surely giving young Australian comedic talent a go is worthwhile isn't it?

Well, maybe not. Yes, there is certainly some talent there, but unfortunately Elton wrote the whole thing, so a lot of the 'talent' of the younger cast is being wasted.

Case in point; Veronica Milsom. You would know her from the ABC's Hungry Beast. She's funny, and talented, and gorgeous (which is handy), yet she failed to shine last night on Planet Earth. One particularly horrific skit was a share-house parody where Lady Ga Ga, Beyonce, Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse are shacked up together. Milsom does a great Lady Ga Ga - we already knew this, because she did it on Hungry Beast;

So I guess it was Ben Elton's script that made it so un-funny when Ga Ga and the girls chatted about panties and likened a shit left in the toilet to Mike Tyson's arm. It was just horrific. Even the most talented actors couldn't have saved that script.

All the skits were bad. Why go live if the material is going to be tired and old? A whole lot of the characters were throw-backs from old ones, or just plain rip-offs.

Kylie Mole anyone?

Even Prue and Trude from Kath & Kim made an appearance in the guise of a male/female combo. The thing is that if these homages to past comedic genius had been written well and had a fresh, new angle, it would have been absolutely fine. But it seemed that nothing was new. Take away the overkill on the word 'totally' and take away the innuendo by blatantly referring to female genitalia as 'fanwah' and you have Kylie Mole. Not an homage, a rip-off. 

Where's the imagination in calling a skit about girls share-housing "Girl Flat", or the character of a fat chef "Fat Chef". Live from Planet Earth? Elton seems to be living in Bizarro World where fart jokes and thrush are hilarious and new comedy topics.  

I sound harsh, don't I? And I really wish I didn't because a few of the actors in the ensemble are truly wonderful. Unfortunately, Elton's self-indulgence is stifling anything entertaining they might be able to share. Yep, some of his stand-up was funny and yep, Arj Barker was funny, and yep, Barbara from Bankworld as Elaine Front looks hopeful, but episode one was generally crap. 

I suppose I have to accept that Elton's not going to do anything groundbreaking these days.  He did his groundbreaking 3 decades ago and we are grateful for it. It's someone else's turn now; in the UK with shows like The Mighty Boosh and Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, and right here from Chris Lilley and The Chaser boys.

Still, I don't think Nine should cut it, I'd rather watch Aussies try than another re-run of Two and a Half Men (or some other crap American show for that matter). Maybe Elton will loosen his grip and make it more collaborative - give the actual young people a chance to comment on their world, rather than sticking to cliched, outdated gags.

Finger's crossed the show comes good, or at least has a chance to. There are glimmers of hope there, but channel 9 aren't known for giving programs a chance to grow (and/or redeem themselves). I'm lowering my expectations from 'groundbreaking' to 'entertaining'. Let's see how that works out.

Media Working Together

We've seen two occurrences of Australian media stations making one-off alliances today, and they couldn't be more different.

Let's begin with the images that have been flooding news-reels since yesterday when a baby girl was pulled from the rubble of the Haitian earthquake by ... well ... which channel's news team depended on which station you were watching.

As The Australian reported, it was Walkley award winning channel 9 cameraman Richard Moran who supposedly dug through the rubble with his bare hands to free the child. Yet it was channel 7 reporter Mike Amor who conveniently positioned himself to take the scared child into his arms for the money shot.

This was the footage that was played over and over on channel 7;

Not only does he seem to show no regard for the child's physical health (was the water insensitively poured over her head intended to scare the hell out of her or pretty her up for the camera?) but Amor's repetitive "here baby", "here baby" attempts to coax the child to suckle from a seemingly empty bottle was simply bizarre. Once the all-important footage was caught he was happy to hand the child over to a man who could barely recall her name.

Here was channel 9's story;

Unsurprisingly no Mike-Amor-as-Saviour shots here. Both channels hail Deiby Celestino as the hero though. Channel 7 claim him as a member of their security team. Channel 9 describe him as their interpreter.

This looked less like an actual rescue story and more like two rival networks fighting for the best shot, the best quote, the most heartbreaking/heartwarming soundbite. Mike Amor's earnest involvement seemed less than sincere and all the while the scared little girl is passed from hand to hand in a state of shock.

Contrast this with another media collaboration happening today.

Melbournians are tonight saying farewell to one of our iconic music venues, The Tote in Collingwood. Current owner Bruce Milne is unable to pay new liquor-licensing fees and has been forced to close the venue. Crikey today has reported a potential rising from the ashes for the venue but for tonight, there is no tomorrow for The Tote.

In a fitting farewell a long list of bands, most of them regulars at the venue, are playing a final super-gig tonight which is being simulcast live on community radio stations Triple R, PBS and 3CR. Not only is this an unprecedented occurrence for the three stations but the hard work and organisation that would have had to take place to get the operation underway at such short notice proves the immense collaborative abilities of all those involved.

Triple R announcer Richard Watts asking patrons and workers at The Tote what the venue meant to them was powerful stuff. As breakfast host Fee B Squared tweeted;

Looking at these two situations, one a begrudging lending of a hand (involving a child's life no less), and the other a peaceful coming together of like-minded people with equal intent - you can't help but feel the warm-and-fuzzies for community media.

Commercial stations have the equipment to give you, the viewer, a story that is polished to within an inch of its life, digital, wide-screen, dramatically re-enacted, botox injected, special effected.

- But what community stations can give you is simple; the real story - Never Mind the Bollocks.

Hawko the "Everywoman" my Fat Ass

Jennifer Hawkins nude on the cover of Marie Claire - it's not exactly shocking is it? I mean, she's a lingerie model which means she's pretty much naked most of the time she's in the spotlight. The cover doesn't show her with her legs wide open or even her nipples exposed - yet it has created as much heated discussion it might as well have.

The issue is this; Hawkins is being applauded for appearing "untouched" on the cover. There has supposedly been no photo-shopping or digital manipulation of the image. Well, well, well; golf-claps all round. How very daring for a woman who, besides having a fabulous figure and being only 26 years old makes a career out of strutting the cat-walk in barely-there lingerie.

Here's a news-flash; she is PAID to keep her figure in brilliant condition. It is her JOB to look amazing and to have a trim and terrific body. So HOW exactly does she represent the "average woman"? If I didn't have to work 50 hours a week and was paid squillions of dollars to be glamorous I might go to the gym more than once a year and look as awesome as her too*.

How exactly is this image supposed to promote good body-image in "normal" women? It makes me want to stick my fingers down my throat and buy a bottle of peroxide.

Good on Marie Claire for getting all this free publicity for a shot that might as well have been photo-shopped; as if anyone would have noticed had it not been pointed out. Oh, dimples on her thigh you say? Uneven skin-tone?! Call the nip/tuck team stat!

On channel 9's Today show this morning radio host Bianca Dye spoke about baring all for Madison magazine in November. She pointed out the glaringly obvious that Hawkins is hardly a "normal" girl. The irony is that the ninemsn.com.au article had a link to a Zoo Weekly story about photo-shopping that referred to un photo-shopped pics of celebs as causing "vomit at the back of your throat". Way to prove a point that "real" women is the way of the future ... classy as usual.

The Madison issue actually had average sized women in the buff and was actually trying to make a point about body image. But it didn't have Jeniffer Hawkins nude on its cover - so actually went unnoticed.

The editor of Marie Claire, Jackie Frank, has blamed Australian women's negative body-image on the government. Well of course! Damn those attractive back-benchers and their enviable lighting and make-up at parliament question time! It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the unrealistic images that are thrust upon us at every supermarket check-out line and on every billboard on every corner. 

Who would have thought a magazine like Marie Claire, dependent on advertising and profit, would be so devious in its sales tactics? *insert sarcasm here*.

* I say "might" because going to the gym probably won't make me 6 foot tall or white.

7TWO finally!

Channel 7 is finally launching it's digital channel 7TWO on November 1st. The website describes;

7TWO is more of what audiences love about Seven. More drama, more lifestyle, more reality, more comedy, more movies . . . more first class entertainment, free for everyone.

Programs include; Ugly Betty, Heroes, Lost, 24, The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, A Touch of Frost, Prime Suspect, Judge John Deed, Rosemary and Thyme, Minder, Coronation Street, The Martha Stewart Show and more.

I'm actually looking forward to Murphy Brown and Moonlighting (and I do have a penchant for Magnum PI). The Jay Leno show will also be aired at 6pm weeknights with AFL footy flashbacks on weekend mornings.

Further to this, viewers are promised;

Additional themed nights of programming include Action & Adventure, Lifestyle and Movies with the latter featuring an extensive catalogue of family titles from Disney’s studios.

It looks like there's not a whole lot of local content, much the same as channel 9's GO! with most programs from the US and UK.

Still, more channels means more variety ... I just wonder if this will encourage all those Australians who are yet to move to digital to take the plunge.

Trash TV

For the purposes of this blog I try to watch as much Australian tv as I can handle. If I'm at home and there's something programmed, I'll take a look at it. In many circumstances, it's very rewarding - the new season of East West 101 on SBS, for example, blows all those Crime Scene Investigation *insert name of US city here* shows out of the water.

Sometimes however, it's a painful exercise in discovering why the rest of the world thinks Australia is entirely populated by neanderthal half-wits who think Blackface skits are hilarious. 

Aussie Ladette to Lady on channel 9 is beyond horrible. I suppose I shouldn't expect much from the channel that brings us The Footy Show and Two and a Half Men but this is seriously shove-your-fingers-down-your-throat, scrub-your-skin-raw-with-Solvol-soap, scoop-your-eyes-out-with-a-spoon horrible.

Both the girls and their 'teachers' are revolting in so many ways. The girls (obviously amping up their disguisting behaviour for the cameras) are creatures that defy evolution. How can people like this exist? They don't need deportment lessons, they need to be euthenaised.

Their teachers are archaic dinosaurs from yesteryear clinging on to irrelevant customs and patriarchal ideals. "What man would ever want you?" - as if a man's attention is the only thing that truly makes a woman worthwhile.  Perhaps they should be teaching them how to get a job rather than how to bake a tart for their future husband.

I don't understand what the viewer is supposed to be feeling; are we supposed to be amused? shocked? Are we supposed to feel sorry for the poor, uneducated darlings? In the words of another English 'lady'; We are not amused.

Besides all the other obvious reasons as to why this show is utterly unwatchable - I just can't handle all those British smiles. I spent the whole 15 minutes before I changed the channel in disgust wondering how the English aristocracy have still not discovered the  readily available science of dentistry.

15 minutes was too long. 

and another thing ...

Nine's digital channel GO! is airing the two Hey Hey it's Saturday specials back to back tonight (-some form of strange and unusual torture?) and I just switched over to find Daryl throwing to a break with a performance from New Zealand singer Ricky May with a song he wrote "especially for this program".

Now correct me if I'm wrong but that kind of insinuates that Ricky wrote the song for the reunion program ... except that Ricky died of a heart attack in 1988.

In the first special there was the awkward Maurie Fields moment (excerpt from previous post);

The "Great Aussie Joke" segment was a jaw-dropping affair. It seems the folk at channel 9 decided to bring Maurie Fields (who died in 1995) back from the dead without advising the viewers. It was an awkward moment of father/son joke telling with Maurie's son Marty sitting beside his father thanks to some fancy graphics. It might have actually been a good segment were it not for the fact that Maurie passed away so very long ago and many viewers nowadays (watching for the first time) would have no idea who he was.

Again Daryl has nonchalantly thrown to a dead person without mentioning he's deceased - and Ricky died years before Maurie so there's even less chance that the Facebook fanatics that rallied for the return of the program would be likely to know who he was.

Interestingly the controversial Red Faces performance was edited out of the replay. The twitterati weren't happy with their 'Aussie humour' being censored - they probably wanted to revel in their 'win' over those 'pc-pariahs' one more time. Public opinion has shown that a whole lot of Australians think the skit was completely acceptable - as Todd Sampson said on Q&A on Thursday;

I think we have stuffed our heads up our butts if we don't think racism is an issue in Australia (...) I've lived in four continents, I've lived in six different countries and I have to say, not everyone, because it would be a sweeping generalisation, but racism is definitely and firmly an issue in Australia.

Other notably horrific moments from the second Hey Hey program were;

• The young man who decided to get a tattoo of Plucka Duck on his chest. People tell you that you'll regret your tattoos when your older - I think it's safe to say this guy will be holding a hot iron to his chest within a few years.

• Darly Somers.

• Jo Beth Taylor's dress - or lack thereof. Did someone tell her that she would be sitting on a stool and not behind a desk? Thankfully it was on later in the evening so the Sharon Stone moment didn't breach any broadcasting laws.

• Daryl Somers.

• Jackie McDonalds plastic surgery and wig. What happened to ageing gracefully?

• Did I mention Daryl Somers?

I could only handle the second show in pieces so I missed a whole lot of it. I'm pretty sure Daryl mentioned that it was the last show EVER around seventeen hundred times. Will he be proved a liar?

Big Night on the Box

Well the big day has arrived - there are some serious decisions to be made tonight with several shows competing for your attention on free to air tv.

First of all, there is the much publicized, much gossiped about, much anticipated Hey Hey it's Saturday The Reunion, running a whopping two and a half hours from 7:30pm on channel 9.

Channel 10 has the debut of the special celebrity version of it's powerhouse Masterchef, from 7:30pm.

Over on the national broadcaster at 9pm is the much-anticipated (for all the right reasons), Hungry Beast - Andrew Denton's production company Zapruder's Other Films did a call out earlier in the year for young media talent to create a current affairs type show with a difference - and this is the result.

Channel 7 have gone with World's Strictest Parents and City Homicide - which is either conceding defeat or giving it their best - who can really tell?

The real item-of-interest for me is the Hey Hey special. I truly want it to be something special but fear that it may be memorable for all the wrong reasons. When discussing tonight's line-up with a friend I insisted that she watch at least part of the Hey Hey special - because it's history either way - whether it's so bad it gets taken off air half way through, or it's so good that it heralds a new boost in light entertainment and local funding for Australian tv.

Clearly everyone is expecting the former rather than the latter - but channel 9 will certainly have their fingers crossed.

Footballers Review

The grand final episode of the AFL Footy Show was on channel 9 tonight which included the footballer review - you know, the part where the boys dance around to various songs with a bunch of scantily clad gals making pelvic thrusting motions and simulating giving the boys blow-jobs?

First of all - I don't understand this at ALL. Sam Newman did a horrifying rendition of Singin' in the Rain, including out of sync miming and a possible fractured hip (-there goes the only part of his body that was still natural!) But the most disturbing part of the show was Shane Crawford dressed as an extra from Rocky Horror doing the Pink number So What? - except that he must have got his starlets mixed up because he was clearly channeling Lady Ga Ga by forgetting to wear pants. That's right - all he was wearing was a leather g-string ... and did I mention he was doing acrobatics whilst hanging from the ceiling? The looks of shock and awe on the faces of the audience made it quite clear that Crawford had outdone himself this year.

A few observations;
(1) I think the background dancers are all girls because the boys don't want to look 'gay'. They shouldn't worry - if they were gay they might actually have some style and/or talent.
(2) The background dancers are crap - is this an attempt to make the footballers look better? Or is this because they are only trained in pole-dancing and not freestyle?
(3) It seems there were less players involved this year - perhaps they were smart enough to watch the tapes from last year ... sober.

Every year I watch this abomonation thinking it couldn't possibly be worse than the year before but they just keep outdoing themselves. It's a not-to-be-missed, stick-a-fork-in-your-eye, visual atrocity of mass proportions. You just can't look away.

* I should also point out that my last three posts have been related to AFL - I apologise and it won't happen again.

Nostalgic Nine

In times of crisis, the world turns to nostalgia. The idea is that when things are going badly, remembering when things were going well is a nice escape from reality. After the 9/11 terrorist attacks there was a spike in nostalgia tv and programs like Better Homes and Gardens gained a new audience of viewers that wanted to forget about the 'bad' out there and focus on creating a 'good' home environment.

The world is currently in the midst of a Global Financial Crisis - and who better to deliver some heartwarming nostalgia than good old channel 9 - which is suffering its very own crisis after a string of bad program choices (Australia's Perfect Couple anyone?).

To kick things off we have Television's Best of the Best on Sunday night at 6:30pm. The website describes it as;

A host of Channel Nine's biggest stars look back at Australian television's very best performers and programs. From groundbreaking dramas to our most brilliant comedians, this special event features some of television's most memorable moments.

You'll never have guessed it, but yes, Jules Lund is involved - and one would also assume that the majority (if not all) of Australian television's greatest moments happened on channel 9 of course.

Then we have The Very Best of the Paul Hogan Show on Tuesday the 22nd at 8:30pm. The website tells us we will;

Relive the laughs of the hugely successful Paul Hogan Show with a collection of his favourite moments from the show that changed comic television in Australia.

And I don't mean to alarm you, but it will be hosted by none other than Paul Hogan himself. I wonder if he'll be throwing any shrimps on the barbie? *

But of course the one we've all been waiting for is Hey Hey it's Saturday - The Reunion, airing at 7:30pm on WEDNESDAY the 30th of September with part 2 the following week. As the website says "it's a quirky timeslot for a quirky show" - way to get around that hairy question Nine execs!

And what can we look forward to?

Hey Hey It’s Saturday is bursting back onto your screens ‘LIVE’ with 2 reunion specials featuring the original gang and many of your all-time favourite segments.

Each two hour show will be jam-packed with a kaleidoscope of guests both new and old plus the fabulous Hey Hey ‘live’ Band. And it wouldn’t be Hey Hey without RED FACES, PLUCKA DUCK, CELEBRITY HEAD and many other classic bits.

I must say, the promos for the Hey Hey special definitely had me remembering good times sitting on the living room floor with my siblings on a Saturday night watching Red Faces - but that's the problem isn't it? - these Hey Hey special's aren't going to show us the old clips, they're going to bring something back from the dead that has well and truly decomposed, and I think we've all watched enough zombie movies to know how that turns out.

Either way, it's time to make yourself a vegemite sandwich, drape the Australian flag around your shoulders and get into the spirit of some nostalgic nationalism with channel 9.

* note: if Paul Hogan, in his hosting duties, actually does put a shrimp, or any shrimp-related crustacean, on a barbeque I will eat my own hat ... if I'm wearing one ... and if I haven't already had dinner.

Different Spins on Story

Channel 7's current affairs program Sunday Night returned today with a story about the much publicised kidnapping of American girl Jaycee Dugard by convicted felon Phillip Garrido. Unsurprisingly, channel 9's 60 Minutes covered the same story.

The arrest of Garrido and the details of Dugard's captivity have been unfolding in the news this week as more and more information comes to light about Garrido's possible involvement in other crimes.

The interesting thing tonight was watching how the two programs told their respective stories.

Sunday Night was first at 6:30pm and used home video, court footage, video of the abduction area and, most importantly, an interview with Jaycee's then stepfather Carl Probyn. He told the story of the day Jaycee was abducted and her reunion just last week with her family.

The story of Dugard's arrest in 1976 for the abduction and rape of Katie Callway Hall was also told with comments from Hall and the investigating officer on the case at the time. Overall the story was well put together, tightly edited and made good use of image and sound.

Then we had 60 Minutes at 7:30pm on channel 9.

With the earnest intro including the "as you’ll learn, the evil Phillip Garrido has been bad for a very long time" precursor to what was in store, there was no doubt that 60 Minutes was again going to give us the same old story.

Reporter Tara Brown told us what had just been shown on channel 7 but with a one-on-one interview with Garrido's 1976 victim Katie Callway Hall. Besides taking the victim to the storage unit where she had been repeatedly raped and abused and asking her if it was painful to be there, the gratuitous use of 'dramatic reenactment' was possibly the most disturbing aspect to the story.

Do we really need to see some bad overracting to understand how a persons head is slammed into a stearing wheel? After a 'reenactment' of Garrido tapping on Hall's car window, we had Hall in-studio stating that Garrido tapped on her car window ... is this necessary?

The 60 Minute story basically confirmed that the program is past its prime. I'm not at all suggesting that Sunday Night is the epitome of reporting, but it was leaps and bounds ahead of the shock-tactic-superstory that 60 Minutes served up.

It seemed that the focus of Sunday Night was to tell a story - and that the focus of 60 Minutes was to keep viewers watching. What they fail to realise is that if they tell the story well, they don't need to bribe the audience with humiliating interviews and shakey, constructed drama.

Jamming it up on Nine

In between the tacky intro and the overuse of the 'jam' metaphor (see above), channel 9's Money for Jam (8pm Wednesday) does have a few bits of advice. Sure there's a whole lot of advertising, animation, unnecessary cut-shots and network promotion but what else can you expect from a commercial program?

It does look great though - the graphics are bright, music is up-beat, editing is tight and there's all those friendly channel 9 characters - quick question; is Scott Cam one of the most endearing Australian tv personalities of all time, or have you just dialed triple 0 to have me commited?

Back to the point, I would assume it does ok in the ratings - the "Aussie Battler" does love a good money-saving scheme after all. Just thank Christ it's not on channel 7 or we'd be listening to more self-congratulatory advice from that unholiest of unholies, David Koch.

Idle Idol

So the ratings are in and the first episode of Australian Idol last night was beaten by Domestic Blitz (channel 9) and Dancing with the Stars (channel 7). It was only pipped at the post by DWS but it was still down from last years launch episode.

So have the public spoken? Are the ratings down purely because of Kyle Sandilands? Or is Australia just sick of over-edited, we-already-know-the-winner, let's-just-make-fun-of-people reality television? Will Australian Idol go the way of Big Brother? I guess we'll see in a few weeks when Sandilands is no longer a feature of the show.

Speaking of Kyle, he really showed what a great bloke he was on last nights episode by (a) leering at the young girls, (b) asking a contestant about their sex life - they were over 14 so that's ok, right? and (c) asking a lovely man who seemed to have an intellectual disability, "so how many sandwiches short are you?". I might say that I was shocked, but I really wasn't.

Idol last night was generally underwhelming. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just don't get any joy out of asshole producers making fun of people ... sure I was yelling at the TV "He is sooooooo shit!" - but that was mainly at the ones they actually let through to Sydney. There was one clearly tone-deaf man who sang Over the Rainbow who was interviewed before going in and was basically set up to look like an idiot. As was the overweight woman who, we were told, has her "fiance" (said in a condescending manner as though someone so unattractive could hardly have a fiance) to comfort her in her failure.

The web entries were torn to shreds - one of them was actually pretty good but was nevertheless ridiculed with Funniest Home Video style commentary.

I know, I know - the contestants are to blame - they put themselves out there to be ridiculed after all. But some are very young, some are very naive and some are very stupid. When did we become a society that loves watching people being taunted so cruelly? Their hopes dashed? their dreams crushed? I know that there are stupid people out there - I don't need to see them being made fun of on what is supposed to be family viewing.

Sandilands is only one part of the program that is offensive.

Of course I'll keep watching, because my sensibilities aren't so delicate *wink*.

Nine Keen for Success

Channel 9 launches the new digital channel Go! tonight, after some massive ratings failures over the last few weeks, I'm sure the hope is that Go! draws a few younger viewers in - a demographic channel 9 has largely ignored over the last few years.

The website says it all;

Attention, everyone who's young or young at heart: it's time to GO! digital. GO! is available now on fee-to-air television via channel 99 (or channel 88 for regional affiliates), offering more choice and entertainment than ever before.

Typical programs on GO! include favourites such as Gossip Girl, The Hills, TMZ, Fringe, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Weeds, The Wire, Survivor, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, CSI and hit comedy series Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Obviously there aren't a lot of funds being put into locally made content - and The 7pm Project over on channel 10 might have a run for it's money with "the worlds favourite entertainment news program" Entertainment Tonight.

Either way, it's good that another station is getting on board the digital bandwagon - it's just unfortunate that it consists mainly of more American crap.

Stupid Person Poll

Last week's Chaser's War on Everything ended with the web poll question;

Who's the most idiotic person channel 9 has ever paid money to?
a) backpacker jamie neale
b) richard wilkins
c) sam newman
d) eddie mcguire
e) karl stefanovic ... etc, etc, all the way to x,y and z.

However there was an omission on the list of Chk-Chk-Boom-Bogan, Claire Werbeloff who channel 9 has not only paid before but is set to put on the pay-role again as the host of a show called "Scammers".

It sounds like your basic A Current Affair, Today Tonight brand of shite where so-called "scams" are uncovered for the benefit of those unfortunates in society who think taking out a double mortgage on the house and transferring their life savings to a Nigerian bank account is a good idea.

Again, channel 9 deserves a pat on the back for helping the intellectually disabled - and putting them on the pay-role.

Double Burp for Channel 7

Well, both Double Take and TV Burp on channel 7 last night were pretty terrible. There were a few clever moments in Double Take (few and far between that is) and I will give Ed Kavalee the benefit of the doubt because he was so great on Triple M's Get This (with Tony Martin), but really, I'm not sure either of the shows will be well loved.

There have been a few negative comments on forums about the swearing and nudity on Double Take - of course the rebuttals have pointed out that Underbelly was aired at 8:30pm on channel 9 and contained a lot more violence and nudity. The thing is though, Double Take is a comedy sketch show - not a serious drama - and the promos for it have been generally tame, as opposed to Underbelly, which was clearly not going to be family viewing for the kiddles.

In any case, nudity and swearing are the mark of a desperate comic - it's only smart comedy that can make us laugh without resorting to a dirty joke.

Mind you, I barely noticed the swearing - I was too busy watching the clock - counting down the minutes until it ended. TV Burp wasn't as painful, but certainly wasn't quality entertainment.

Couples Crapola

Australia's Perfect Couple is the latest reality drawl on channel 9.

Let's check some reality TV boxes shall we?

Extroverted money grabbers wanting their 15 minutes of fame? tick
Stupid physical tasks that involve personal harm? tick
Attractive people willing to wear next to nothing and spend lots of time near a pool? tick
Ethnic - but not too ethnic* - element? tick
Morally bankrupt people willing to walk over their mother to win a buck? tick
Botox-injected host secretly delighting in the contestant's pain and suffering? tick
Gay element? tick
Underlying racism, homophobia and general ignorance bubbling all too close to the surface? tick

Basically, it's another bullshit reality show - after 20 minutes I'd already had more than enough.

* "ethnic elements" in reality shows are usually tanned - but not too tanned - second or third generation south-east European people. The inclusion of an Indian couple in this series is a logical move considering a lot of British reality TV has the token Indian contestant and a lot of Australian programming is purchased from the UK. This particular Indian couple are of course not too tanned and certainly don't have accents - god forbid!

So totally like, random.

While I'm on the topic of gratuitous use of animals (see last post), channel 9's Random Acts of Kindness has put a Woodend animal shelter in hot water after renovations on the property didn't comply with Department of Primary Industry guidelines. Supposedly the programmers were advised of the guidelines, yet didn't comply with them.

Mind you, the proprietor Trish Burke did point out that the shelter was already in breach of guidelines relating to staff training and proper management of waste water - but she insists that the programs renovations are primarily what has alerted the DPI to the breaches. Hmmm.

It seems she was well aware that while she was enjoying her 'surprise trip' that the shelter was undergoing renovations. And she was obviously well aware that the shelter would be a focus of the program and eventually be aired on television - thus bringing it to the attention of the DPI in any case, including any breaches of the guidelines that were already happening.

So who has the duty of care to liaise with the DPI to ensure any renovations carried out meet guidelines? It seems the RAK producers wanted some sweet little fluffy kittens in soft-focus (sure to pull the audience heartstrings) but didn't worry about the technicalities. And it seems that the proprietor wanted a weekend away and a free renovation but didn't want to worry about the details.

The unfortunate thing is that the shelter might be closed. The animals are the ones paying the price - and they weren't even asked to sign the channel 9 waiver (although I wouldn't put it past the producers).

Perhaps RAK will in future be more mindful of the effects of their 'randomness'.

Ferguson Out

Only days after the launch of channel 9's THIS Afternoon, newsreader Mark Ferguson announced he will be moving to channel 7. Seven CEO David Lecke took the opportunity to have a swipe at Nine;

“Although we are not announcing his job description just yet, I know we can offer him something far more challenging and exciting than THIS Afternoon.”

Ferguson has been with Nine for over 17 years - rumour has it that he will be reading weekend news on Seven.

THIS Afternoon has not had good reviews - I managed to catch the first 20 minutes or so on Friday but found myself changing the channel because the content was so slow and dry. There was an awful lot of awkward banter between the hosts as well which makes for uncomfortable viewing.

Afternoon News

Channel 9 is spruiking its new afternoon news program This Afternoon, starting next Monday, 4:30pm weekdays. Hosts Andrew Daddo and Katrina Blowers will be taking a look at news and current affairs with live interviews, news bulletins, and panel discussions. Channel 9's weekend news reporter Mark Ferguson will be in the mix too along with a team of reporters nationally. It's an hour-long program so it will be interesting to see how many stories are doubled-up with other channel 9 current affairs programs 60 Minutes and ACA.

How many cooks spoil the broth?

Channel 9 is jumping on the cooking-craze coat tails of Masterchef by announcing auditions for a family cooking show sponsored by Coles.

The Great Aussie Cook Off will be a daytime program a la channel 10's Ready Steady Cook rather than a prime-time powerhouse.

It won't be for Wolfgang-Puck-wannabes either - the official website says;

"This is not for cooking professionals or those aspiring to be a chef, this is a competition for real people like you who have a passion for cooking with and for family and friends."

Applications are open until 5pm Friday the 3rd of July.

Oh, and don't be put off by the extremely patriotic logo - they're asking for "diverse" family groups after all - they might even have a family with same-sex parents, or a muslim family, or a family of Sudanese refugees ... or a ... well, I shouldn't get ahead of myself - we'll just have to wait and see.